Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
This toilet bowl is my home.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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