No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
The beer is more important than you right now.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
