my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
