I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
