So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Vodka?
Forever.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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