Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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