please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
cat food counts as protein by the way
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
