WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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