I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
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Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
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I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
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