Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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