Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
