she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
