arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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