another moral hangover. fuck.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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