I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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