what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
