Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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