I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
