Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
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