Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
sarcasm needs its own font
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
