girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
