Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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