I wish I could teleport
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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