she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
