I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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