had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
