I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
