uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
