someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
