Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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