I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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