Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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