Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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