i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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