dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
