it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
