OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
