so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
