I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize