Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
