The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Randomize
