I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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