We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
