I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
You've changed since you got that strap on
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
