I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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