the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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