So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
