I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
