I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
