How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
