Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
