So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
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im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
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The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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