After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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