Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
